It is my fault that I had not seen my old friend for a number of years. I had talked to her on the phone and knew she was not well but that was as far as I went; until today. I bought her a pretty little potted rose at the grocery store and just dropped by her house.
She has full time, round the clock care and she is bed ridden. I knew that she was bed ridden and on oxygen but I was not prepared for the sight of her in a wheel chair with the oxygen tube in her nose. Her hands and legs shook. Her face and body was swollen. But her mind is sharp.
We talked about old times. About grand children. About books, but most importantly, after she asked if I had gone, we talked about the funeral I had attended yesterday. Her ex husband had died after a long, lingering illness. He had remarried a much younger woman about 20 years ago but still, he was the father of their grown children and the grandfather of their 12 grandchildren. No matter how long they had been divorced I knew this was a difficult time for my friend but she was holding up valiently.She asked me about details of the funeral service and if the crowd was large. I filled in the blanks and told her how wonderfully their grown children had paid tribute to their father.
I know it is not customary, but it did seem so awkward and sad to me that nowhere in the funeral program or on his bio or obituary was there any mention of my friend, his first wife and the mother of their 4 adult children.Of course I did not mention this to my friend but I am sure she was aware that her contributions to his life and success were completely ignored. Almost as if she had never existed.
I am glad I went to visit with my dear old friend who is 2 years younger than I am.
I left thinking, "There but for the grace of God go I"
5 comments:
It had to have been difficult for your friend, hearing about the service; but, what does one do with such an awkward situation in arranging the service?
I'm sure there are people who would know how to handle the issue of an ex-spouse with taste; but, it is far beyond me. I recently attended a funeral where the man had never re-married; but, still, no mention was made of his ex-wife. Their kids did a great job at the funeral, and the ex-wife was in attendance--as a member of the biker crowd that provided the honor guard for people coming into the funeral home.
Cop Car
I am sure that she appreciated your visit, Chancy. It must have been difficult, especially knowing that she was slighted in the funeral. I think no matter what the circumstances were, the mother of a man's children ought to be mentioned at the funeral service. It slights the children if she isn't. How sad.
That happened to a friend of mine too. Her ex husband died and her name was not mentioned in obituary, she was quite upset about it. It seems that people do not know how to handle that situation
.About your visit to your friend, I'm sure it was not an easy visit for either of you., but it was good that you went.
I see changes happening in my friends lives - one needs help with her daily life,. another is going into a senior care facility. Like you said, "getting old is not for sissies."
Does seem there should be mention of a wife of so many years with whom a man had children.
Good that you could visit your friend though know it is always hard to see someone we've known as a lively vibrant person having become much less so -- especially, if we haven't been around them to absorb their gradual physical decline.
I'm sure she must have truly appreciated your visit.
How sad for your friend. I am sure she appreciated your visit so very much.
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